The Power of a Question: Stop Telling, Start Asking

The Simple Shift In Communication

Welcome back. Today I want to talk about something that I believe can completely change the way you communicate with people. And I mean everybody your spouse, your children, your clients, your employees, your friends, even people you've just met. It's something incredibly simple, but once you understand it, you may never look at conversations the same way again. Here's the idea. Stop telling people what to think and start asking questions that help them think for themselves. Now think about this. Have you ever tried to convince somebody of something that you absolutely knew was right? Maybe you were giving them advice, trying to help them make a decision, or trying to get them to see something that seemed so obvious to you. And the more you explained it, the more they resisted. Have you ever experienced that? Of course you have. We all have. And isn't it interesting that sometimes the harder we try to convince somebody, the harder they seem to push back?

Why Advice Triggers Resistance

Why do you think that happens? Well, think about it from their perspective. When somebody tells you what you should do, what's your natural reaction? Sometimes you listen, but other times something inside you immediately says, wait a second, I can make my own decisions. And now, instead of thinking about whether the idea is good, you're thinking about defending your position. The conversation has changed. It's no longer about discovering what's right, it's about who's right. And that's where we get into trouble. Because most people don't enjoy being told what to think, but almost everybody enjoys coming to their own conclusions. And that is the power of asking questions. Let me

The Job Complaint Conversation Reframed

give you a really simple example. Imagine you have a friend who keeps complaining about their job. Every time you see them, it's the same conversation. They don't like their boss, they're unhappy with their income, and they don't enjoy going to work. You've heard this for months. So one day you finally say, You need to find another job. What do you think happens? They say, Well, it's not that easy. I've got bills, the job market isn't great, I've been there a long time. And suddenly they're giving you every reason why they can't do the very thing you think they should do. Now, let's have that same conversation a completely different way. Your friend tells you how unhappy they are, and instead of giving advice, you ask, can I ask you something? If you could change one thing about your work situation, what would it be? Now they're thinking. Maybe they say, I'd love to work somewhere I actually enjoy going every day. You say, that makes sense. What would that look like for you? Now they're thinking some more. They start describing the kind of company they'd love to work for, the people they'd enjoy being around, and the income they'd like to earn. And then you ask, do you think something like that exists? They say, yeah, probably. So you ask, well, what do you think would be the first step toward finding it? And they say, I guess I could start looking. Do you see what just happened? You didn't tell them to find another job. They came up with the idea themselves. And here's what I find so fascinating about that. The conclusion might be exactly the same, but the experience of getting there is completely different. In the first conversation, they're defending why they can't change. In the second conversation, they're discovering how they might. Same person, same problem, different approach, and potentially a completely different result.

Coaching Performance With Better Questions

Now, think about how powerful this can be in business. Let's say you're working with a salesperson who isn't making enough calls. You know they need to increase their activity, they know they need to increase their activity, everybody knows it. So what do most managers do? They say, you need to make more calls. And what does the salesperson say? I know. Well, here's my question. If they already know, why aren't they doing it? Maybe the problem isn't that they need somebody else to tell them what to do. Maybe they need somebody to help them understand why they're not doing it. So instead of saying, you need to make more calls, imagine asking, let me ask you something. Are you happy with the results you're getting right now? They say no. Okay, what result would you like to be getting? They tell you, great, what do you think needs to happen for you to get there? And maybe they say, I need to talk to more people. Interesting. You didn't tell them that, they told you. Then you ask, what's been getting in the way of doing that? Now we're getting somewhere. Maybe it's fear, maybe it's procrastination, maybe they don't believe the calls will produce results, or maybe they're spending too much time on things that aren't important. Whatever it is, you're finally having a conversation about the real issue. And that's something I want you to remember. A great question doesn't just help someone find an answer, it can help them discover the real problem. And you can't solve a problem you haven't identified. Think about how often we give people answers to questions they haven't even asked. We hear a problem and immediately we want to fix it. I think that's human nature, especially when we care about somebody. We want to help, we want to save them time, and we want to give them the benefit of our experience. And our intentions are wonderful. But sometimes the best way to help somebody isn't to give them the answer, it's to help them discover

Parenting Without Lectures

it. Imagine you're talking to your son or daughter and they're not putting much effort into school. You could say, you need to study harder. You need to take school seriously, you're going to regret this someday. Now, maybe everything you're saying is true, but what are they hearing? They're hearing another lecture. And you know what happens during a lecture? A lot of the time, people stop listening. Now, imagine asking, can I ask you something? What do you want your life to look like five years from now? Maybe they don't know, and that's okay. Ask another question. What are some things you'd really love to be able to do? Let them talk. What do you think would help you get there? And then when the time is right, ask, how do you think what you're doing in school today connects to the future you want? Now, maybe they begin seeing a connection they hadn't thought about before. Maybe they don't. But at least you're having a conversation instead of delivering a speech. And here's something else. When you ask somebody a genuine question, you're communicating something very important. You're telling them that their thoughts matter. You're saying, I want to understand how you see this. And isn't that something we all want? We want to feel heard, we want to feel understood, and we want to know that what we think matters. Questions can do that. Now,

Questions That Clarify Not Manipulate

I want to take this one step further because there's a difference between asking questions to understand somebody and asking questions to trap somebody. Have you ever had somebody ask you a question when you could tell they weren't really interested in your answer? They were just trying to get you to say what they wanted you to say. How did that feel? Probably not very good. That's not what I'm talking about. The goal isn't to manipulate somebody into agreeing with you. The goal is to help them think clearly enough to reach a conclusion they genuinely believe in. And sometimes that conclusion is going to be different from yours, and that's okay. Because a great conversation isn't always one where somebody agrees with you. Sometimes it's one where both people walk away understanding something they didn't understand before. Now, there's a question I absolutely love, and I want you to start using it. What makes you say that? Think about how powerful those four words can be. Somebody says, that will never work. Instead of saying, yes it will, ask, what makes you say that? Now you get to understand their thinking. Maybe they've tried something similar before. Maybe they had a bad experience. Maybe they have information you don't have, or maybe they've never really thought it through, but you won't know unless you ask. And here's another great question. What would have to be true for you to feel differently? Wow, think about that one. Somebody tells you they don't believe something is possible. Instead of arguing with them, you ask what would need to change for them to reconsider. Now you're no longer fighting over two positions, you're exploring possibilities. And that can change everything. Let's

Turning Arguments Into Understanding

talk about relationships for a minute. Imagine your spouse says something you completely disagree with. What's the natural response? You want to explain why they're wrong, right? And maybe they want to explain why you're wrong. And before you know it, you're having an argument. But what if, instead of responding immediately, you asked, help me understand how you're looking at this? Just that. Help me understand. Can you imagine how many disagreements might turn into conversations if we started there? Because sometimes we're arguing about something without even understanding what the other person means. We're reacting to our interpretation of what they said, not necessarily what they intended. And a question can clear that up. Now, here's another part of this that I want you to really think about. The most powerful questions aren't always the ones we ask other people. Sometimes they're the ones we ask ourselves. Think about that. What happens when something goes wrong in your life? What questions do you ask? Why does this always happen to me? Why can't I ever catch a break? Why are things so difficult? Now, what happens when you ask those questions? You start looking for reasons to support them. But what if you change the questions? What can I learn from this? What can I do differently? What's one thing I can do right now to make this better? Same situation, completely different direction. One set of questions keeps you focused on the problem. The other gets you thinking about solutions. And isn't that incredible? Sometimes you don't have to change the circumstances to begin changing your experience. You simply have to change the question. Imagine you're trying to grow your business and you keep asking yourself, why can't I get more clients? What kind of answers might you come up with? The market is terrible. People aren't buying. There's too much competition. Now try asking a different question. How can I become so valuable to people that they want to work with me? Do you feel the difference? The first question has you looking for reasons you're stuck. The second has you looking for ways to grow. Maybe the answer is to improve your skills. Maybe it's to communicate differently. Maybe it's to provide more value. Or maybe it's to get better at understanding what people actually need. But now your mind is working on something useful.

Ask Yourself Better Questions

And that brings me to what I believe is one of the greatest benefits of asking questions. Questions create ownership. When somebody discovers an idea for themselves, they're more likely to feel that it's their idea. And when they feel ownership of an idea, they may be more willing to act on it. Let me ask you something. Which commitment would mean more to you? One that somebody else told you to make? Or one that you thought through, believed in, and decided to make yourself? Exactly. And that's why I think the best leaders, the best coaches, the best salespeople, and the best communicators aren't necessarily the people who have the most answers. They're often the people who know how to ask the best questions. Because they're not trying to do all the thinking for everybody else. They're helping other people think. Now, there's something else I want you to practice.

Ownership Silence And The 7 Day Practice

And this might actually be the hardest part of everything we've talked about today. When you ask a question, be quiet. I'm serious. Ask the question and then let the person think. Don't immediately answer it for them. Don't jump in because there's a little silence, and don't rescue them from having to think. Give them a moment. Sometimes the most valuable part of a conversation happens during the silence after a great question. And I know that can feel uncomfortable, especially if you're somebody who likes to talk. But remember, the objective isn't to demonstrate how much you know, it's to help the other person discover something valuable. And they need room to do that. So here's what I want you to try. For the next seven days, become much more aware of how often you tell people things they could figure out for themselves. Maybe somebody comes to you with a problem. Before giving them advice, ask, what do you think you should do? Maybe somebody disagrees with you. Instead of defending your position, ask, can you help me understand why you see it that way? Maybe somebody tells you they can't accomplish something. Instead of telling them they're wrong, ask, what do you think is stopping you? And then listen. Really listen. Because here's what I think you'll begin to notice. People start opening up, they start thinking, and they start sharing things they might not have shared otherwise. And sometimes they come to the exact conclusion you were hoping they'd reach. But now it's not because you convince them, it's because they convince themselves. And that's a much more powerful kind of agreement.

The Final Question And Core Takeaway

Now, before we finish, I want to ask you one final question. And I really want you to think about this. What if the next breakthrough in somebody's life doesn't come from something you tell them, but from a question you ask them? Maybe it's your child, maybe it's your spouse, maybe it's somebody you work with, maybe it's a client, or maybe it's somebody who's struggling and doesn't believe in themselves. And maybe you don't need to give them a speech. Maybe you don't need to explain everything you know. Maybe you just need to ask the right question. A question that helps them see something they couldn't see before, a question that helps them recognize an opportunity, or a question that helps them realize they're capable of more than they thought. And imagine what happens when they discover that answer for themselves. Because now you're not just giving them information, you're helping them discover something within themselves. And to me, that's what great communication is all about. It's not about winning arguments, it's not about proving you're right, and it's certainly not about making other people think exactly the way you do. It's about helping people think, helping them grow, and helping them see possibilities they might not have seen before. So the next time you're tempted to tell somebody what they should think, what they should believe, or what they should do, try something different. Ask them a question and then give them the opportunity to discover the answer. Because sometimes the most powerful thing you can say to somebody isn't a statement at all. It's a question. And that one question might just change their life.